I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
