Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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