She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
