Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
