I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
