I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
