At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
