Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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