how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
