We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
