why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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