I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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