I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
