Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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