Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
