Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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