Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
