When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
