Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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