I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I am naked and annoyed.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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