The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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