I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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