i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
