i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
