Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
