my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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