I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
