My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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