You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
