I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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