these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
