Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
