did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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