sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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