No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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