She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Drunk is not a location!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
