I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
