And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You may now shotgun with the bride
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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