Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
