You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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