Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
try to milk me bitch
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