i think i have two assholes
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
