I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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