he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
