I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
