i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
why do cheetos always look like penises
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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