i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
