I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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