Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i out mim tonsoeep
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