are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
