this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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