Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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