I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
