my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
