my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
