nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
