i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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