Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
