he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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