If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
