they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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