I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
